An Anxious-Depressive Insomniac’s Sestina

I lost a bit of myself in my own isolation

But I didn’t realize that until I met you

That I listened to my anxiety and depression

And to the existential loneliness and dread too

I led myself astray in relation to my lack of motivation

So I gotta get up and move forward because I ought to

As a result of those conclusions I’ve ultimately arrived to

My creativity became stunted through inebriation and isolation

Due to boredom and that aforementioned lack of motivation

Thus I’ll carry on and hopefully go in the right direction with you

With my parents, friends, and selfishly, my own person too

Since I hope for a third place or a hobby to manage my clinical depression

However, the absence of those things adds to this silent economic depression

For I struggle to not just want to get out of bed but to need to

Because I don’t have enough money for groceries, gas, or for most of my interests too

So I look at my one-bedroom studio apartment and its blinding isolation

As it nonetheless helps me realize just how lucky I am to have you

While I existentially toil in this dying yet thriving world to maintain my motivation

I alone will continue to absurdly ponder and guide my motivation

To promote a diverse lifestyle and to creatively combat depression

I sincerely hope that, along this desolate and cold journey, I won’t hurt you

As it’s taken a lot to get to where I’ve gotten to

Even now in relation to that self-destructive social isolation

Because nobody is perfect, and that goes for me too

The algorithms and the comment sections have worn me down too

As the constant streams of content drown out the motivation

And as I find myself sitting even more silently in my isolation

I can’t help but return to that debilitating state of depression

Because well, I don’t always have an emotionally available friend to go to

So if I could, I would ascend to another plane of existence with you

To magically escape from the flaws of humanity with you

That of capitalist greed, our impact on climate change, and school shooters too

So I’ll become less insomniacal and anxious as I have your heartbeat to fall asleep to

And perhaps decisiveness and an emotional reset would boost my creativity and motivation

Hence my generation’s perception of the chronically online has possibly skewed my depression

As maybe, just maybe, a widely broadcasted pandemic did haphazardly cause mass societal isolation

But it is within me to, put it bluntly, find an internal source of motivation

As I can’t just find that within you, or within that popcorn ceiling too

For the last thing I should do is submit to my depression, because I no longer want to be in isolation

© Niklen 9/30/23